Wrestlemania 33 Cliffs Notes

For those of you that have been away from wrestling for a while, here’s some Cliffs Notes for Wrestlemania on Sunday.

Given that Wrestlemania is 5+ hours long, we’ll certainly get all the backstory during the show in wonderfully produced video packages, but if you want a down-and-dirty cheat sheet, here you go. And this is all based on what I remember from the past year. If you want to do your due diligence, you can check out match card on WWE’s web site…but lets face it, this is pro wrestling. Nothing has really changed and you can enjoy yourself just like you did 20 years ago.

And if the last time you saw a Wrestlemania was in the late 90s then you’re luck, many of those guys are still here and fighting.

  • Names you’ll probably recognize: Goldberg, Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, Undertaker, Chris Jericho, Shane McMahon, Triple H, John Cena, Samoa Joe
  • Names that might be new to you: Bray Wyatt, Kevin Owens, Roman Reigns, The Miz, AJ Styles, Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose

 

Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton

Bray Wyatt convinced Orton to join his stable of backwoods crazies. Then Randy Orton decided he didn’t like it, so he burned down Bray’s cabin. Should be good but I smell shenanigans from Wyatt’s cronies.

Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar

Is this 2003 or 2017? Goldberg came back after 15 years and beat up Brock. Lesnar got mad, Goldberg beat him up again. Brock doesn’t give up easily. Expect this to be a short match (and hope this doesn’t end the show). And either way, the belt ends up on a super part-time wrestler that is passed his prime.

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

Roman Reigns claims he’s better than the Undertaker, ‘Taker disagrees. Essentially a turf war. Watch 50-year-old Undertaker hurt himself again, but I expect some sort of torch passing. Following the match, Undertaker will go to the hospital and the world will wonder if it was his last much, just like last year and the year before that…

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

Miz and his wife have made fun of John Cena and his girlfriend for months. It’s some of the best stuff WWE has produced in years (thank you Miz). Do yourself  favor and go watch Miz on YouTube. Good build up to this one and could be decent. Not sure how the intergender stuff will go but they’re all capable in-ring and out.

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

Shane McMahon fired AJ Styles so now they’re fighting about it. This will be a high spot match because that’s the only thing Shane can do. Styles can’t not deliver a great match so while the story is flimsy, it should be fun to watch. Something Shane does will probably be what you remember this time next year.

Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens

Jericho and Owens were best friends (and heels). Owens turned on Jericho and now they’re fighting. It sounds simple but this match was months in the making with some of the most memorable, ridiculous and funny bits ever.

Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax

Sasha and Bayley are friends but the others don’t like each other. All of these ladies can produce good stuff, so I hope it turns out that way. I expect this starting in chaos but ending okay. Expect a Sasha heel turn…maybe.

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H

To be honest, this story goes back 3-4 years when Rollins was a heel under Triple H. Fast foward…Triple H hired Samoa Joe to beat up Rollins (now face). Joe broke Seth’s knee (for real). Rollins rehabbed and is not happy with Triple H. Probably lots of weapons in this one. Expect serious shenanigans too.

Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin

Ummm…Baron thinks he’s better than Dean, I think. He certainly has more tattoos. Should be a hard hitting match but I’d be very surprised if Baron wins, so I hope he does.

Alexa Bliss vs. Everyone

Everyone wants to be women’s champ so we’re having a battle royal. I’m not sure what good can come of this. Bathroom break.

Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries

Neville is a big meanie and Austin Aries is arrogant…who’s the bad guy? I dunno but it probably won’t matter. This will be the most athletic match of the night, too bad it’ll probably be on the pre-show and you won’t see it.

Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson (c) vs. Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus

Three-way tag team battle for the championship. Enzo/Cass/Cesaro/Sheamus are the faces here, Luke/Karl baddies. None of the teams like each other (surprise) and all want to be champs. Probably only slightly less chaotic than the ladies battle. Might be pre-show too.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

There’s no story for this one. All the guys that weren’t important enough to be on the main show will be here. It’ll be pre-show, no worries.


 

If you want more, check out the WWE YouTube channel and you can get all the highlights.

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